Gatos Gathering

The cats at our complex are having some sort of gathering outside our window.

This doesn't look good.

Phlane (Official)

Telling Time the Natural Way

Several months ago, J dropped a can on her foot and bruised her big toenail at the base near her cuticle.

Since then, we've been marking the passage of time by looking at how far the bruise has moved up the nail.

Based on our measurements, we can confidently tell you that it's November 23, 2012.

Phlane (Official)

Welcome Back, Now Buy Us Stuff

These are an upcoming deal on Amazon.com's Black Friday mania.

Now, we know we haven't weblogged for a while, but Christmas is a time for forgiveness, and moon bounce shoes.

Suggestively,
Phlane (Official)

Bad Day for Boo-Babe

She peed on the floor, and scratched a hole in J's lip.

Not at the same time.

Goodnight (hopefully),
Phlane (Official)

Sleep Ledge

Phlane (Official)

Of Things to Come.

B-Baby's been a little bit grumpy ever since we had a test-run of her Halloween/Birthday costume.

Wouldn't you like to know.
Phlane (Official)

Trivia Question

Q: Which man was the inspiration for Norman Bates, Leatherface, AND Jame Gumb?

A: Ed Gein*

*Should you now choose to Wikipedia "Ed Gein" to see why he was the inspiration for these villains/monsters/things-that-won't die, we need to warn you that there's some pretty disturbing information on his page, not the least of which is Wikipedia's annual fundraising.

Phlane (Official)

Master Chefs

We learned a very important lesson about seasoning cast iron pans tonight, namely, that you have to season cast iron pans.

Phlane (Official)

Sour Scour

Lenny's tank is clean, no thanks to any of you.

Phlane(Official)

Dog Food?

Is it sort of weird that the one place we can't find B-baby's food is at the pet store?
That's at least a little bit concerning, right?

Phlane(Official)

*Half of us Passed the Bar

Happy Constitution Day, everybody!

Here's to using your second amendment rights to express your first amendment rights, without finding out what the fifth and sixth amendments are for.

Phlane (Official), esq.*

Correlation/Causation

We've seen two parameds at two Wendy's in two days.
That Asiago Ranch Chicken Club must be real good.

Phlane (Official)

Our Sadness Weighs 4 Pounds

Were sorry we've been so grumpy lately.
It's just that our 4# bag of chocolate chips is almost empty, and we can't imagine what it would be like to live in a world without them.

Phlane (Official)

To Every Person Who has Ever Posted a Negative Comment on a News Site, Tweet, or Facebook Post:

You're completely and totally right! __________________ is by far the stupidest, "gayest," most "retarded," "brainless," "pedofilic" thing ever said/done/written. ________________ is incredibly socially destructive, unlike off-the-cuff put-downs directed toward anonymous internet users, which have a definite edifying purpose.
Let's modify the old "if you can't say anything nice" rule, and just say that if you wouldn't say it in person, you shouldn't say it online.

And we would totally say that to your face,
Phlane (Official)

Career Opportunity

We're now accepting applications for persons interested in cleaning Leonard's tank.

It's an unpaid position, you'd be doing it for the resume fodder.

Please contact
Phlane (Official)
for more information.

90 degrees with a Chance of Christmas

It's possible that B-Baby's 18 # bag of dog food will last her through Christmas.

Winter--what a horrible thought.

Phlane (Official)

In Defense of the Burning

A lot of people are raving that Allie Hagan is "opportunistic," "mean," and a pedophile for creating Suri's Burn Book (and by a lot of people, we mean those select persons who both read and comment upon Washington Post stories).

We assume it's all code for "wish I'd thought of it first."

Phlane (Official)

Political Virgins

This is our first political post, and we think some put up and shut up is in order.

Firstly, Mitt Romney should put up. If you've paid 13% of your income in taxes, there's no reason for you to take issue with proving it.

Second, Obama should shut up. Romney's in the 1%. We get it. You don't need to keep beating that point to death.

Anybody want to talk about Syrria, the escalating war-mongering in Israel, or the imminent global food crisis?

Geeze.
Phlane (Official)

Month-Old, Timely News

Did anybody else think "Jaws" when they read about this?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180550/Ben-Linden-shark-attack-Memorial-service-surfer-ripped-half-Great-White-held-Perth.html

We suggest a shotgun and propane tank.
Enjoy Shark Week,
Phlane (Official)

This Post is About Sex

No it isn't. We just wanted to gross you out.

Phlane (Official)

Nailed It!!!

Now, about Ryan Seacrest....

Phlane (Official)

Official Poll Results

2 out of 3 members of the Phlane household think the Mars Landing is going to be successful.

Lenny abstained from voting.

4 out of 4 members of the Phlane household don't understand why Ryan Seacrest is talking about the Olympics. Lenny thinks he's absolutely ridiculous. B-Baby thinks he dresses well.

Happy Landing,
Phlane (Official) 

Doorbells and Sleighbells and Bill Murray French Fries

We watched The Sound of Music again this week. What a great show. In honor of Maria and the Captain, here are the links to our favorite things:

1. Bill Murray. 
    For all of these reasons and also for Bob Wiley.
2. Lord Voldemort on Twitter
    But only if someone else takes over and makes it funnier. We nominate:
3. Allie Hagan
    She's a hilarious writer. She writes:
4. Suri's Burn Book,
    and we want to meet her and talk trash about Miley Cyrus, and be best friends with her SO bad.

We also like this video, which was pulled for copyright violation, but re-uploaded with a cat-frame to fool You Tube.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when we're feeling sad, we simply tune into some great parodies, and then we don't feeeeeeeeel soooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Phlane (Official)

New York Hates Michael

We have thus far failed to introduce our other child to you. This is Leonard. You may call him Lenny.

Lenny does this really neat trick where he swims around all day without getting tired, and only stops to poop and eat. If Michael Phelps could do that, maybe the New York Times wouldn't have been so eager to rip him a new A-hole. Good for you, Times. Good for you.

He also does this thing where he sneaks into his castle through a tiny hole so that when J goes to feed him she can't find him and thinks he jumped through his solid, plastic aquarium roof.

That one's actually pretty cool.
Phlane (Official)

We Swear by the Best

We spent the day researching exclusive play groups for B-baby because, damnit, our dog deserves the best.

Excuse our damnit.
Love,
Phlane (Official)

Cotton Sprain

Hi!
Did you miss us? We missed you. And you missed a wild week. We are now the proud parents of a cotton candy machine. The Bar Fairy brought it last Tuesday after the Multistate Essay Exam. The Bar Fairy breaks and enters into your dwelling at night with the intent to plant a post-Bar present therein. HeShe's the best.

B-baby had a hard week. Tuesday night she got overly excited about the cotton candy machine and tried to attack the stairs. Her right back leg is sprained. Her face smells, too, but that's normal.

We also moved the kitchen table six inches to the right. It just flows better that way.

How was your week?
Rhetorically,
Phlane (Official)

Things to Look Forward to This Week:

It's not last week. Also, the Bar. That's fun, right?

Phlane (Official)

Murder in the Bedroom

It's getting worse, but we're too afraid to take away her toys.
Phlane (Official)

Utterly Too Two

Happy Tuesday!
We finally got our laundry done, in case you were fretting, and we managed to clean the suds from the dishwasher, as well.
So, we're two for two... Twosday!

What's your favorite thing to do on Tuesdays? Ours is to pretend it's not Tuesday, because Tuesdays are the worst.

Mondays and Wednesdays are also horrible.
Phlane (Official)

Inadvertent Suds

Here’s a tip, dishwashing liquid and dishwashing detergent do not function the same way in an automatic dishwasher. We always knew this, but now we really know it.

Phlane (Official)

Justified

We can't do laundry today because our one laundry basket is full. Maybe in another few days.

Phlane (Official)

Heel Dog

We're training B to be an attack dog, because the element of surprise is crucial for an attack, and what could possibly be more surprising than having your leg ripped off by a maltipoo?

We think it's going to be very therapeutic for her. She needs an outlet for her aggression that isn't Mommy's heel.

It will also be hilarious.

Anyway, we hope you are enjoying your Tuesday. You can bet that we are.
Phlane (Official)

Berry Picking

Watching B eat fresh raspberries is like watching one of the Saw movies (we imagine--we don't waste time on the ridiculous).

B doesn't just eat raspberries, she stalks the bush, finds a victim, unhinges her jaw, and massacres raspberries.

We tried to take a video of it, but it all happened so fast.

It was just so fast.

Phlane (Official)

Hiatus

We're sorry you haven't heard from us for a while, and sorry that you'll have to continue not hearing from us for a while.. These past few weeks, our Grandma's health has been rapidly declining. Last Saturday, she passed away. Grandma was a truly incredible person who taught us that the only thing more important than a box of Sees is the way you treat the people around you.

We're going to spend the next few weeks reconstructing our lives, and also studying. You may hear from us occasionally between now and then. In the mean time, please enjoy Mitt Romney.

We love you, Grandma. We hope you've already got too many projects at once in your heavenly craft room.
 

Correction:

In the June 27, 2012 post "Misery Loves Alanis," we mistakenly attributed the noise coming from upstairs to Alanis Morissette,. It has since come to our attention that it was, in reality, just our neighbor singing out loud with abandon.

Sing it, Girl.
Phlane (Official)

Misery Loves Alanis

What's the greater sin,
listening to Alanis Morissette because you're having a bad morning,
or forcing the people in the apartment below you to listen to Alanis Morissette because you're having a bad morning?

Let's all listen.

Phlane (Official)

Dream Waffles

We had a dream last night (that’s right, we dream communally) in which we found a place that sold good Belgian waffles AND good fruit sorbet.

Clearly, this is all fantasy. If there actually were a place that served both of these things, and did so in a way that was delicious, we would have found it already and eaten them into franchises.

Until then, we'll just have to keep dreaming.

Phlane (Official)

 

Saturday

The light bulb in the kitchen is out, so we're going to have to replace it.

Phlane (Official)

Deflated Balloons

We planned to study yesterday, but decided to chase B around the house with deflated balloons instead.

Totally worth it,
Phlane (Official)

Best Website Ever/Come Here/We Love You

We just found out that someone was referred to our weblog by searching for “dog birthday invitations” in Google. 

First of all, we want to come to that party. Second, we started thinking about how we could drag more people to this site, based on the content of our posts.

Rather than putting in the work to create 50 different posts about 50 different topics, we’re just going to do this:

 Hair loss. The Avengers. How many calories are in food. Neon colored clothing. Hipster jokes. Which Disney princess are you. Pinterest. 4^th of July. Rodney King. Does UPS deliver on Saturday. What are the lyrics to Boyfriend by Justin Beiber.

Seriously, now, how do we score one of those dog party invites?

Phlane (Official)

Phenomenon

We stayed up really late last night so we could review the latest Muppet Movie for you, eight months after it came out.

This time around, The Muppets use their camaraderie to fight an evil oil baron who is intent on destroying Muppet Studios for good. The jokes may be familiar, but the determination of the Muppets will warm your heart and touch your soul. 

Overall, it was all right. When you rent it, rent A Muppet Christmas Carol instead, because that movie is awesome.

Also, if you've never watched this, you're really uncultured.

Phlane (Official)

Working Out

Congratulations to our thirty-something year old neighbors who just discovered that jump roping is an aerobic exercise.

Ignoring the fact that the entire rest of the world knew this by kindergarten, we think it’s really great, and not at all annoying, that you like to jump rope past our window all the time now. 

Keep up the good work,

Phlane (Official)

BrBa

We got some advice today in an email from B.
It's amazing how dogs these days can adapt to technology so quickly.
Anyway, it was tough love, but we think we needed to hear it.
Here it is:
B's Advice

Thanks, B.
Phlane(Official)

Bad Malcolm Foot

We're trying to write this post, but we're also trying to watch the first episode of the first season of Breaking Bad. It's a lot like Malcolm in the Middle. For example, it has Bryan Cranston in it. And...no. No, that's the only similarity. B's not really into the show. She's licking her foot. She is really, really licking that foot.

Phlane (Official)

For Jill, and Stuff

This post is dedicated to our friend, Jill, to whose birthday party we are late because we're writing this post.

B's thinking about attending, too, but she's deeply absorbed with Snakey right now.

I think we all know how this story ends.
Happy Birthday!
Phlane (Official)

Sorry, Puppy.
All things considered, though, you should have seen it coming.

Phlane (Official)

P.S.A.

Why spend $130 on hiking saddlebags  for your dog, when you can empty the case law from your backpack and chuck it in there?

Dog stays safe, and you don't have to deal with the embarrassment of watching your 4lb maltipoo kick your a** up a mountain.

This has been a public service announcement from,
Phlane (Official)

Please enjoy Post-Birthday Week responsibly.

Too Tired for Title

Washed the dishes by hand today.
No lid casualties.

Also went on a big birthday hike.
Too tired to finish thi

R.I.P. Lid

We did the dishes.
One of the plastic water bottle lids fell on the heating coil of the dishwasher and melted.
Our heating coil now has a smelly, red, plastic coating.
Cleanliness hardly feels worth it.

Phlane (Official).

Dirty Debate

P argued we should wash them by hand.
J demanded we use our new dishwasher.
The dishes didn't have a preference,
which is why they're still dirty on the counter.

#dirtybirthdayweek
#wedontactuallydotwitter
#hashtagsbugus

#Phlane(Official)

Mid-Way Through B.D. Week

If you don't watch 30 Rock you won't get this. Coincidentally, if you don't watch 30 Rock, we don't get you.

Phlane (Official)